I feel like a tool, at least I didn't cancel my upcoming dental appointment.

the past few weeks, on and off, I've had pain in my mouth/jaw/ear area.

First, I was convinced I'd somehow fucked up my jaw napping on the couch. (don't ask, it doesnt make much sense no matter how I explain it)

Then, I figured it was the cavity that I neglected to get fixed ast year wehn I was dealing with my ROTTING wisdom teeth. (It wasn't bothering me, and like I said, I had ROTTING teeth to deal with)

THEN, when it started to bug me when I swallowed, and the pain got so bad I was driven to tears, and at its worse the ENTIRE SIDE OF MY HEAD hurt, I came to the conclusion that it was my ear.

A few days ago, when I was still convinced it was my teeth, I called and made a dental appointment.

Later that day, I was convinced it was my ear, so I thought about cancelling the dental apt, but figured eh, might as well get the cavity dealt with.

Today, the pain was so bad (amongst other things) that I called out of work. Thus forcing myself to go to the little clinic (thats what its called) and I figured I'd leave with a RX for a free antibiotic, cause well, I thought it was my ear.

Nope. WRONG. both of my ears are in tip top shape.

So are my teeth. The Psychian guy was jelous of my teeth, though he commented that it appeared that I had a grinding issue ('ve been told I do...) which prompted him to run another test that involved me moving my jaw in every direction imaginable...


and thus, the diagnoses of TMJ came about.

so, yea, it's a jaw thing thats causing the ENTIRE SIDE OF MY HEAD to hurt.

on the plus side, this will in no way effect flying cross country on a trip that the majority of people feel I am insane for taking.

this is not one of my better days

I just called out of work.

stating a baaaaaaad ear ache (true) and a low grade fever (lie)

I promised I would go to a clinic today (guess I'm gonna have to now) and that I'll try to be in tomorrow (who the fuck knows)


my dad and brother have taken to tag teaming me about why I SHOULDN'T leave.

they seem under the misconstrued misconception that once I leave I will never come back.

I am simply leaving on a one way ticket, with enough money put aside so I CAN get back, and yes, I plan on getting a job once I'm out there, and JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. They don't seem to understand that the more they try to stop me the more I feel I need to get the fuck out of this place, and ASAP.

mostly, I called out of work today because the more and more I thought about leaving the house, the bigger the weight felt, and the last two times I forced myself to work when I felt like this, I wound up crying AT work, and well, that's just plain sloppy. Especially since I seem to have the impeccable timing of crying when there are no other females at work. Only males, and well, they just don't understand. Hell, females don't understand half the time either, but we're better at dealing with it.

I don't know where this is going anymore.

Distance: 2,953 miles

Two Thousand, Nine Hundred and Fifty Three Miles.

That is the distance, according to Google Earth Maps, I will be travelling in less than a Month time.

Actually, the distance will be greater since I'm flying into an airport north of my actual destination.

Two Thousand, Nine Hundred and Fifty Three Miles is the distance from my current house and the house I will be staying at for the time being.

This is quite probably the most insane thing I have ever done.

It could easily be the most stupid.

I don't think it will be though.

A co-worker told me I would be okay if "you have a minimum of Five grand saved up. That way you can comfortably survive a month or two until you get a job"

Uhm... Do you know how long I could be comfortable if I had that kind of money saved up? I could get a new computer (this one, I fear is on its last legs) AND still "comfortably survive" a number of months.

Needless to say, I don't have anywhere near Five Grand saved.

I am more broke now than I have ever been, but I know that I will never have enough money saved to be comfortable with a move this big, and that if I don't do this now, I never will.

I am 25 years old, with my GED. I have little college education, and have spent the last three years in a job that has not given me permanent full time, and no advancement other than my annual review and 3% raise. I have never lived away from home.

I have taken baby steps my entire life.

They have gotten me no-where.

Its time I plug my nose, and jump. (Feet first. I'm not suicidal)

None of this seems real to me. Not yet anyway. I'm just going through the motions, nothing has sunk in.

I don't know when it will.

I still have a lot to do.

Well, everything really.

So far, I've bought my ticket and informed my job that I'm quitting, and leaving state. (yea, the transfer didn't go through, but like I said, I've been there long enough. It's time I move on)

I need to contact my bank that I'll be travelling indefinitely, and I should check with my cell phone company and see if I'm covered for that area in which I will be.

I haven't packed anything, other than started making a mental list.

I'm new at this. Cut me some slack, k?

My last day at work should be a Sunday. I leave that following Wednesday.

Oh, I should try to figure out if its worth it or not to spend $100 bucks on my passport. I will be close to Canada, after all. Plus, that would be a very handy thing to have in my position.

Seriously, I'm so broke I would not turn down any donations. A new pair of sneakers would be nice. You know, in case I have to walk all 2,953 miles home.

Don't laugh

My brother had that bumper sticker, on the back of his cherry red '72 Volkswagen Bus.

It was his first car. He showed up at my parents house with it one day when he was 21 and I was 14. He bought it from a friend, who in part of selling it had it painted from its old stereotypical hippie paint job of psychedelic colors and designs.

Needless to say, we got a LOT of looks whenever he would give me rides places.

That year, my parents went up to Atlanta on a long weekend, leaving me at the house partly alone. We had convinced A-boy to stay with me that night and the following night. He agreed to make sure I went to school, but he would in no way stay the weekend.

I was a responsible enough to be left alone, even at the age of fourteen.

I hated riding the school bus, so I was able to get my brother to pick me up from school. He would make sure I got to the bus stop on time, but he would not drive me to school.

I remember walking out of the school, that first afternoon, with all the other kids who had rides picking them up. Every other kid was getting a ride home from either their mother, or a friends mother. I was the only getting picked up by my brother.

In his cherry red '72 Volkswagen Bus, with a ball pit (made from McDonald's balls) in the back, and the above sticker smack on the back window.

He was a stereotypical hippie in appearance. My best friends dad called my brother "Shaggy" and called his bus the "mystery machine" which only annoyed A-boy. He would always haughtily point out that the mystery machine was a Ford.

A-boy was very happy when I appeared and told me to get in, and got s away from the school as fast as the bus would take us- which wasn't very fast. He was uncomfortable with all the open stares he was getting from all of the soccer moms. This was a couple of years before cell phones were in wide use, other wise, I'm pretty sure the cops would have been called, or the school alerted.

Like I said, he only stayed with me the schools nights. Come Friday afternoon, I was alone.

Well, alone from Adult supervision.

I had arranged, earlier in the week to have another good friend, who was the same age as me stay over until Sunday. Her parent's were aware that mine were out of state, but I believe we neglected to mention that my brother would NOT be staying the night.

Is it really that surprising that this was the first time I ever got stoned?

I think not.

copy, pasted, and posted.

written in may of 08. I don't recall if I posted it on JS or not.

A lot of it stands true for now...

except, I bought a plane ticket a few hours ago.

One way.

Maybe to where you think, maybe not.

Anyways, enjoy:

May 10, 2008, 11:15 PM

You.

You are the only one who tells me daily how rude I’m being.

Funny, everyone else seems to think it’s you.

But I’m the one stupid enough to actually tell you.

And that makes me a bitch.

You are the reason I need to get away.

You are the reason why I feel like I’m drowning.

Like a fish out of water, like the asthma commercial.

You are the reason why I feel like I’m going to cry about 12 times a day.

You are the reason for so many things right now.

Few of them good.

And that makes me ill.

I feel like you’re just a waste of space right now, in my life.

Getting in the way of everything, holding me back without doing a damn thing.

You are the one that brings me so low I have to inhale my way back up.

You are the that makes my thoughts race so fast I can’t hold a single thought.

You are not to be blamed for most of these things. I know this.

However, I find it mighty coincidental that after your current habits started, I’ve found myself falling back through the hole I spent years crawling out of.

It’s obvious to most who know me that I’m miserable here.

I don’t know if they realize how stuck I really am.

I feel like I’ve been stuck in a rut, and am just now realizing.

I’ve gotten to comfortable with myself and this life, that it makes my skin crawl.

Literally makes my skin crawl.

I spend too much of my time alone. Or with you.

I need to start… being an adult.

I feel embarrassed when I meet old acquaintance and I’m still at the same spot in my life, maybe even backtracked some, since the time we last met.
I don’t go up to anyone. I wait to be approached.

I’m more uncomfortable then I have ever been, and this sucks, because barely 2 years ago, I was briefly at my most comfortable.

I felt like life was on track and going as planned. No, but that was 3 years ago, even still, two years ago I felt okay. Great even.

I wasn’t alone then, like I am now.

I’m more alone than I have ever been.

Part of me likes living in myself like I have lately.

But I want to live outside, too.

I doubt myself more now than ever.

I want the happy medium, even if that means I turn into an eccentric.

Fuck, I’ve been an eccentric my entire existence.

One of the few things I like about my self. Albeit, secretly.

You are the reason that this is no longer about you.

The torch has passed itself onto me.

May 11, 2008, 12:14 AM

sorry for my ansence

I have been around. PROMISE! I have been lurking, and reading, and occasionally commenting.

I just haven't been updating. on here.

I have so much to say and not sure how to say a single word.

So until I figure it out, I'll probably be on the quiet side, posting entries filled of fluff.

"Stop!"

This chorus keeps running through my skull.

so here's the video.
lyrics below

Against Me!

"Stop!"







Stop! Take some time to think, figure out what's important to you.
Stop! Take some time to think, figure out what's important to you.
Stop! Take some time to think, figure out what's important to you.
You've got to make a serious decision.
[x2]

It could be me up there in stage lights.
It could be me on the TV in you living room.
It could be me jet setting with my band all across the world.
Appearing live in concert one night only, tickets sold out.

Stop! Take some time to think, figure out what's important to you.
Stop! Take some time to think, figure out what's important to you.
Stop! Take some time to think, figure out what's important to you.
You've got to make a serious decision.

There I am giving candid disclosure to press in interview.
There I go on my way through the crowd up to the podium.
On behalf of our fans we'd like to accept this award.
Smile for the camera boys, gold record in hand.

Stop! Take some time to think, figure out what's important to you.
Stop! Take some time to think, figure out what's important to you.
Stop! Take some time to think, figure out what's important to you.
You've got to make a serious decision.

All of our lives in waiting.
All of our lives traded for their roses and applause.
All of our lives dedicated to shoving it right back in their fucking face.

Stop! Take some time to think, figure out what's important to you.
Stop! Take some time to think, figure out what's important to you.
Stop! Take some time to think, figure out what's important to you.
You've got to make a serious decision.
I said you've got to make a serious decision.

Stop! Take some time to think.

An entry to reply to the comments in the previous post

this started out as a comment, but I decided to let it be a post instead.

Thank you all for your comments.

I have no intention of speaking to either of them again, at least never socially.

They do have some items of mine, that I would like to get back. They've had them for awhile, and we always spoke of returning them to me, but one thing lead to another, and I never got them back. I was supposed to get them back the last time I saw them, but well, you know how that turned out.

My plan will be to contact them, via email, because I have no interest what so ever to speak to either of them, and arrange for them to bring my things to the house when I am not home. My mother will probably be home, and well, I'll let her deal with them. I know she has a bunch of things she wants to say and is much better at controlling her emotions than I am. (hence why I chose to speak to her over messenger and not on the phone or in person)

Is this a low blow? Maybe. I'm sure it could he handled in a more mature manner, but right now, I feel I have control of the situation, and well, I want my things back, and I feel that someone needs to tell her the true details of the night, whether she listens or not.

Everyone who I have spoken to about these events agree with me, and with all of you, in that she has a very serious problem, and is in denial over it. I am past the point of even wanting to help her. Her life is her own, I have my own shit to deal with.

he didn't tell her.

sorry it's not so eloquent, I wish it were more so.

I spoke with psycho bitch on aim, last night.

here is an exerpt.

(psycho bitch is the new name for the one who gave me hell on new years)

first, I asked if she was around. After a few minutes, I assumed she wasn't, and closed the chat window. this is where the conversation starts:

[23:57] psychobitch: yeah
[23:58] Clairesey1: Just so you know, I don't hate you
[23:58] psychobitch: right on
[23:58] Clairesey1: However the trust that was there, is loooong gone.
[23:58] psychobitch: emofest go!
[23:58] Clairesey1: yea, I don't really want to go there, but if thats where this goes, then, oh well
[23:59] Clairesey1: What did Matt tell you happened, I'm curious. I only know my end, i'd like his perspective
[23:59] psychobitch: he told me the cops came and that i went crazy
[23:59] psychobitch: broke a tv or something
[00:00] Clairesey1: what else did he tell you?
[00:00] Clairesey1: or what else do you know?
[00:00] psychobitch: that you probably wouldnt be my friend anymore
[00:00] Clairesey1: did he tell you why?
[00:00] psychobitch: not really
[00:00] Clairesey1: Ah
[00:01] Clairesey1: so he left out that you pulled my hair so hard I was screaming for him to get you off of me, and that you BIT ME, TWICE?
[00:01] Clairesey1: you bit me so hard that the cops asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital. I didn't. I also waived my right to press charges.
[00:01] psychobitch: guess not, but he told me he puked all over himself in front of the cops lmao
[00:02] Clairesey1: oh, did he tell you that you pulled a knife on me? from the knife block?
[00:02] Clairesey1: thats when I freaked out and started screaming at the top of my lungs.
[00:02] psychobitch: so what is my response supposed to be here
[00:02] Clairesey1: this was after you plled my hair, and he got you off me, bit me twice, and threw your vacuum at the wall.
[00:02] Clairesey1: I don't know, I just wanted you to know
[00:03] Clairesey1: I'm no longer angry, I just wanted you to know
[00:03] psychobitch: sorry if its true, i dont remember anything and i highly doubt i would randomly get violent for no reason at all
[00:03] psychobitch: but hey man drunk people make no sense amirite
[00:03] Clairesey1: I still have one of the marks. I should have taken pictures, but I didnt.
[00:04] Clairesey1: anyways, I just wanted you to know I didn't hate you.
[00:04] psychobitch: awesome, didn't need that kind of shit festering
[00:04] Clairesey1: The person who attacked me wasn't you. You were long gone at that point.

The conversation went on, for a few minutes longer, but it mostly tapered off. In the end, I told her I was gonna go and to take care. She wished me the same. That was it.

There is so much left unsaid, that I don't plan to say.

How much you want to bet she was drinking?

yea.

To the six that it concerns;

Dear Westy, Xanadu, Tuesday, Aunty, Sammi and Mr. Scribs,

Your projects are in the works. I'll figure out what exactly I'm doing and how to get them to you at a later time and date.

Right now, I can tell you that the following items are involved one way or another in what I'm creating:

canvas board,
wooden plaques,
duel tipped markers in twelve colors,
wood stain,
wood engraver,


there are a couple projects in the works. some of you will receive one, while the others will receive another.

This is all stuff I had lying around un-used.


*cue the maniacal laughter*

just keep swimming.

As a Floridian, most people assume I grew up on the beach and/or in a pool.

True, I have always lived within a 15minute drive to a beach. I have always known someone with a pool.

Most people assume I'm a kick ass swimmer, because 1) I've lived by water my entire life, and I have a broad back.

I'm not really sure what the broad back has much to do with swimming, but it sure hasn't helped me much.

I didn't learn to swim until I was 8, a few months shy of being 9.

It wasn't from lack of trying. When I was four, my mom enrolled me in summer swimming lessons at the public pool at G.T. Bray Park a mere five minute car ride from the house.

I was in a class with other kids my age. The first class, we were expected to sit on one of the lower steps of the pool, with only our eyes and nose out of the water. We were learning how to breath under water. I panicked, and wound up having to be removed from the class. One of the instructors took me out of the pool, wrapped me in my towel, and took me to the concession stand for a lolly pop.

The second day, we were expected to let go of the edge of the pool, without swim rings on.

Again, I was removed from the class.

The third day, my mom joined me, and I was moved to the class level below the preschoolers.

It was a Mommy and Me styled class, in the kiddie pool, where we paddled along and played in the water. I loved that pool at four years of age, I was already taller than other kids my age, I towered over the other kids in the group. I think I was the only potty trained kid. I could stand in the middle of the pool and still have my upper body be completely out of the water.

By the end of the sessions, the mommy and me kids were all comfortable in the water and ready for the next level.

All of the kids in the class I had been booted from were all swimming well enough they were allowed to jump off the diving board into the deep end.

When I did learn to swim, four years later, it was by accident. I was in the deep end of a hotel pool. I had gotten there by walking along the edge of the pool, and i lost my grip on the edge and in a frantic paddle, I was able to stay afloat.

I had quit wearing swim rings by that point, because they were a pain to keep on, so I always just hung onto the edge if I couldn't tough the bottom.

Now, at the age of 25, I can dog paddle, tread water, and float.

I have never been able to dive to the bottom, and I have no plans on ever needing to do so. I can keep myself afloat, and am fairly certain that in an emergency I could keep another person afloat also.

I have never been a fan of diving boards, or even jumping off the edge. I was always a "walk out and swim back" type of gal.


Now, I need to dive into depths unknown.

I feel

Stuck.
Confused.
Lost.
Dizzy.
Bemused.
Asphyxiated.

And, roughly, 18,000 other distinct feelings bordering on the negative.

Why?
Anything.
Everything.


You know, Life, the Universe, and Everything.

I hope I haven't burned my bridges, and if I did, then I pray that I can mend them.
Especially the ones I haven't even crossed yet.

You know, cause, sometimes I use a flame thrower.


No clue if that made any sense to anyone else, but the image of me throwing flames at a bridge off in the future was slightly amusing to myself.

I need to use a sick day.

From myself.

Unfortunately, I can't find the paperwork needed to file for that type of claim.

I think I can understand where they're coming from but... no, not really (stolen from my local paper. no real updates til I get a sixth person!)

Posted on Thu, Feb. 05, 2009

Family sues Albertsons over debilitating crash

By ROBERT NAPPER
rnapper@bradenton.com

BRADENTON — Monica Costello’s pain is still raw as she recalls the accident that left her son nearly brain dead and wheelchair-bound, most likely for the rest of his life.

Some days, it gets so tough she wonders if she did the right thing for her son by keeping him alive.

“I ask myself all the time if he would have wanted this,” she said. “It is terrible agony to wonder that and feel at the same time there is no way I think I could handle being the person to take my son out of this world.”

Ryan Costello, 22, has been in a wheelchair since the April 8, 2006, crash, in which the Florida Highway Patrol says his friend, Zane Zavadil, 19, drove off Anna Maria Bridge. FHP troopers ruled both Costello, then 19, and Zavadil, who died in the crash, had been drinking alcohol before the accident.

Now an Orlando attorney hopes to prove the Albertsons grocery store chain is responsible for the crash that brought widespread publicity and sadness in Manatee almost three years ago.

Attorney Woody Igou filed a lawsuit Wednesday at the Manatee courthouse stating several witnesses have given sworn testimony that they were with Costello and Zavadil, who were underage, when they bought the alcohol they drank before the crash from the Albertsons store at 7415 Manatee Ave. W.

The lawsuit also alleges an ongoing pattern of sales of alcohol to minors at the store. Igou said during his investigation, several witnesses have also testified to buying alcohol from the store more than 200 times while underage.

Igou argued in his lawsuit that Albertsons engaged in “grossly negligent conduct that contributed to the injuries and losses to plaintiffs and others.”

The lawsuit was filed against Supervalu, Inc., a Minnesota-based company described in the suit as the owner of the Manatee Avenue store at the time of the crash. However, a Supervalu spokeswoman said the company did not own the Albertsons store at the time of the crash, which Igou refuted.

Officials with Supervalu and Albertsons, LLC, the listed owner of the Manatee Avenue Albertsons, did not return phone calls seeking responses to Igou’s claims.

Monica Costello said attorneys for Supervalu have been to her house and examined her son’s condition, as well as the medical equipment needed to keep him alive. But she has not heard from Supervalu or Albertsons since.

Igou said he has sought to settle with Albertsons officials, but he said his phone calls are not being returned.

Said Costello: “To me that is a slap in the face, that they won’t even acknowledge us.”

Igou said a medical expert he hired said the cost of medical care for Ryan Costello for the rest of his life will amount to an estimated $15 million to $20 million, which he is seeking in the lawsuit.

Costello said her son’s injuries have crushed her not only emotionally but financially.

“It has been beyond catastrophic for a single mother,” she said.

The lawsuit is not just about the money, she said. Costello often talks to DUI offender classes about the dangers of drinking and driving, and she says she just wants to see a store she believes is consistently selling alcohol to minors to stop.

“I am not saying my son is not responsible for his part of what happened to him. As you can see, he’s paying severely for what he did,” Costello said. “I just want Albertsons to be held responsible to operate under the letter of the law. One boy lost his life, another boy lost the life he knew. I just don’t want any other mothers to go through this.”

© 2009 Bradenton.com and wire service sources. All Rights Reserved. http://www.bradenton.com

if you go to the papers webpage, there are pictures of the kid and his mom. I went to HS with him, and Zane, but was a senior when they were freshman. I kinda knew Zane, we had an art class together and sat at the same table. He was the obnoxious freshman surrounded by seniors. I wasn't really a fan, but I was saddened when I heard of his death, just because well, I knew him, and he died and he was younger than me. Shit like that sucks.