Friday, May 29, 2009

If you need me

You can find me at KCL under the same name. I post log in only, and until I can justify spending the money for pro, that's how it will be.

I did fairly well of staying out of the drama back when JS was around, so I feel I'll do just as well now that drama has appeared to opo up on KCL.

It amazes me that the people who claim to hate drama the most are those who are always immersed in it.

I used to be like that, then I grew up, and POOF! Drama gone! I'm not even 26 and I've learned this.

Maybe I truly am an old soul.

I have turned comments off for this entry, and this will probably be my last entry on blogger. I'll keep the account, and the page open, and read and comment on other journals on here that I follow but I don't plan on doing any actual updating.

Carry on. There is nothing more to see here.

S-E, out.

Monday, April 13, 2009

I don't know which is worse

The fact that I know that I have grown up, or that you think you have, but in reality you are exactly the same as you used to be.

I don't know what it means, other than I should have moved on a long time ago.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

you know your from...

i found this on facebook about my town. I feel a bunch of it's stupid, and don;'t understand quite a bit, so I put in bold the bits I *do* get. I also added some notations in parenthesis.

You know you're from Bradenton when ...

... people ask you where you're from and you say Sarasota because no one knows where Bradenton is.

...when Applebees is the only thing open past 9:00pm.

... when the Southeast-Manatee game is the highlight of your school year. (I went to Manatee)

... when your school gets bomb-threats weekly. (it wasn't weekly, but it was a few times a year...)

... when there's only 2 roads in your town - one named after a Spanish conquistador and the other after a fat sea animal. (this is oddly true...)

... when you go to more parties out in fields then in a house. (I am not bolding this because I have yet to go to a field party. house parties I have been to plenty)

... when the highlight of the summer is a birthday party ... for a fat sea animal that will never die. (this is July 3rd, and the fat sea animal that won't die is a manatee named Snooty and he shares his birthday with my mother who is exactly one year younger than him, which is why I am neglecting to mention either of their ages)

... when you can find at least half your school at the beach on any given day. (i rarely went to the beach so I have no idea this is true)

... the entire town heads to the beach right before a hurricane hits. (this is true...)

... you go to Bradenton Beach because Siesta Key is just too far. (Siesta Key out past Sarasota, I never even went there until I was 21, and that was because Sarasota county beaches don't have the liquor laws that Manatee county beaches have. Bradenton Beach is referring to an area out on Anna Maria Island. Bradenton doesn't actually have a beach. We have an Island)

... your town is known for an NBA ref getting caught assisting the Mafia.

... you know what 14Th St. is. (it ain't pretty)

... your volleyball coach gets caught picking up prostitutes. (WHOAT?!)

... you know that you cross the bridge to get to the ghetto side. (?? I am assuming they mean Palmetto...?)

... Natty Ice is a part of your everyday life. (EWWWWW no)

... you've spent your Saturday nights Xtreme bowling!

... when Taco Bell is the ending of your night.

... when your school holds Homecoming in your cafeteria. (The one year I went it was in the gym, but I did go to a dance or two in the cafeteria)

... you go east under the highway, you leave civilization. (also known as Myakka)

... you were in middle school and spent your Friday nights at the Royal Palm. ♥ (The Royal Palm is a movie theatre that did not come into existence until I was at least a junior in HS. It is a 20 theatre place that is out in Lakewood Ranch.)

... you're proud of your illegal alien population. (I wouldn't say proud, but it is quite large. They don't bug me, I don't bug them.)

... it's not uncommon for the car next to you to have either a Confederate flag or fringe around the dash. (this is true)

... when your graduation is held at the Manatee Convention Center. (My sister's was. Mine was at the football field. At night. With Fireworks.)

... your eardrums get blown out at graduation from the proud auntie behind you with the foghorn. (errrm... I feel this is possible)

... you know you're better than Sarasota because you have a Super Target. (yea, but its out on University Parkway which is practically one of the boarders to Sarasota)

... you know exactly where Bradenton ends and Sarasota begins. (Its by airport that we share)

... you spent your elementary education at the landfill. (I only recall one field trip to the landfill, thank you! Mostly, we went to visit Snooty...)

... when schools look like prisons. (maybe its the prisons that look like schools?!)

... and it's not okay because your parents don't have money. (it used to be pretty well to do... used to be)

... when you spent prom night at the Ringling. (I didn't go to prom. by my own choice, thank you. However, I know that it was held at the gym, and my sisters were held at the civic center...)

... you've seen old man European ass in a thong at the beach. (there's also this guy that lives a few blocks over that does yard work in aslittleclothingaspossible... ew. and yea, he is old and fat)

... there's a Baptist church or nursing home at every corner. (I lost count at 15 churches within WALKING DISTANCE of this house... all denominations though)

... Desoto Square Mall is the classiest place you've ever been. (this mall is gonna disappear within the next few years. everything is closing)

... you know "The Island" is the only island. (well, not the ONLY one, but when someone mentions an island, that is what they mean)

... the coldest it gets is not too cold for flip-flops. (yea, if you want your toes to go numb... but yea, we wear sandals all year round)

... when the town population triples during Spring Break. (and doubles during 'season' which is... now. damn snow birds)

... you know the cops don't give a shit.

... half the town works for Tropicana and burnt orange peels wake you up in the morning. (seriously, growing up half the kids I knew had at least one parent who worked there. and no, we don't get cheap deals on the juice)

... it made front page news when a male model became an Abercrombie & Fitch model. ( i must have missed that issue of the bradenton Harold) laugh because people think that star athletes choose to live in Bradenton but you know it's just because of IMG. (I met one at work, and my brother helped pressure wash one's house...)

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

a bit of fluff

I keep catching this song on the radio, so I thought I'd share.


lyrics below video.

Non-Dairy Creamer by Third Eye Blind

They call it KFC, cause it’s not really chicken
Hot cheetos for breakfast make a young student sicken
Did you ever think someone’s tricking you?

And the guy in the pulpit is a bigot and a liar
Some kid walks into my school and opens fire
Heard any good jokes lately cause we sure do need em
My punk band’s call operation Iraqi freedom

What’s it going to be, are you real to me
Or are you non-dairy

And new love is burning up in me
Cause one in four American girls has an STD
You can buy yourself some implants
But you can’t buy a soul,
What’s threat level orange
With your chest puffed out, what are you so afraid about
What are you so afraid about
What are you so afraid of
What are you so afraid of

And two gay guys got married
And brought the family to its knees
How did they blow us to smithereens
Just a couple of queens
How did they do it, I’m telling you now
All marriage came to an end
And I found myself some culprits
It’s two young gay republicans
Young gay republicans

“Some of them we murder, some we let go…”

Monday, March 16, 2009

An entry because its been over a week

Fuck it. That's the mood I'm in right this moment. I've been busy trying to get shit done and I'm getting little to no help from anyone who could actually help me. Sure, I'm getting tons of encouragement (which means a LOT more than anyone could possibly realize) but I'm getting no actual involvement from anyone.

My last day at work is this coming Sunday. I work Today, tomorrow, Wednesday and Sunday.
If I didn't want/expect a cake so bad I'd have fucked off ages ago. I hate that place more than anyone could realize.

I'm STILL trying to get a letter of REFERENCE from my store manager. not a letter of recommendation, I just want him to say that yes, I've been with the company for as long as I claim to have been (three years, Jan. 26) so, I've moved on from that. Fuck his letter, I've moved on to collecting personal references of my own. So far, I'm up to FIVE and I still have a few more I'd like to get. All I'm requesting is that I have permission to use the person as a personal reference and they write down their name (so I spell it correctly) and the best phone number to be reached at. One person even wrote me a letter! Yay! She's a front end supervisor and works in the office.

I was scheduled for a dental appointment/cleaning tomorrow, I even had work schedule me late in the day so I could make the appointment. I scheduled the appointment for what I thought was to get a cavity fixed. I figure since I'm leaving state, I might as well get some dental stuff taken care of since I'm still paying that damn care credit bill (due to the economy i was unable to get it paid off before the interest kicked in...) Well, a little while ago, I realized that I hadn't gotten a confirmation call from the office. I call them myself, to make sure that 1) I have an appointment tomorrow, and 2) to figure out exactly what I'm expecting to have done.

Good thing I did. the lady that answered haughtily told me that they had in fact called and confirmed my appointment but no one had answered and since I didn't have voicemail there was no way to leave a message. This made no sense. I have voicemail, and keep my phone on me at all times. I asked which number they called, and apparently they called my parents land line... which I have asked REPEATEDLY that they NOT USE! Grrr. Turns out, also that my appointment was for x-rays... so they could TELL me I had a cavity. I was annoyed, I cancelled the appointment.

I also cancelled my little backyard shindig that I have been trying to plan for the past couple weeks. It just wasn't coming together and I wasn't getting any support from the other people in this house, who though they claimed that the shindig would be fun and was totally do-able, they all decided that if I wanted it done I'd have to do everything myself, and well, our patio hasn't been used since last summer and had become over grown... so I spent my entire day off yesterday weeding the patio and trying to clean it and make it look decent... my legs and back are so sore today. The only people who were showing actual interest in coming were all people from work, who I see at work. All the others I have been trying to contact about the shindig... all I got was people from OUT OF STATE saying they would LOVE to come but sadly couldn't. WHAT ABOUT THE PEOPLE STILL IN TOWN?!

Fuckers wonder why I'm leaving.

Okay, my mood is actually WORSE now, which sucks, cause the past few days I've been in a great mood.

I'm ending this now. I don't know when I'll update again.

Saturday, March 07, 2009

Beer and Hot Pockets

Its whats for dinner.

Yea, it was one of those kinds of nights at work.

I am waiting for some idiot to point out that I don't even like beer, just so I can throw an empty beer bottle at their skull.


Thursday, March 05, 2009

whats going on in my world

this is gonna be quick, I'm waiting on Mom to finish getting ready so we can go to lunch and run some errands before I go to work at 3.

Pur planned time for leaving was 1pm and it is now 1:22, so by the time we leave, there will prolly only be time for lunch.

Chinese buffet here I come! well, when I get there, that is.

Okay, My last day of work is March 22nd.
I am planning a little backyard shindig to take place around 7pmish that night.
so far, I only have one person who seems interested...

seriously, anyone who knows where my parents backyard is, YOU ARE WELCOME TO COME!

I am leaving March 25th on a one way ticket to go hangout in Washington state for awhile and try to find work and blahblahblah.

details. don't have time.

Mom and I FINALLY made some progress on our mock up sewing project of a craft apron I want to make.

Whenever I do crafts of any type, I always wear an old shop apron of my dads, but it doesn't quite fit right. too narrow in some spots, too wide in other spots and a good 8 inches plain too long all around. I have to use a saftypin to keep the neck strap at a reasonable length.

I decided I wanted to make an apron and that it should be simple enough to do, since I have a sewing machine (that has only been used to sew scraps) and mom used to make shop aprons for her first husband (my sisters dad).

We went to a fabric shop and looked around at fabrics, and decided that since we were there and since they were only a dollar each we might as well looks at patterns since buying and using an already made pattern is a lot easier than making a pattern from scratch which was the original plan...

do you know how many patterns there are for aprons?!?!

seriously, HUNDREDS...

and the more I looked, the less I liked the basic apron style...

so after about an HOUR of pouring over patterns at the fabric shop, I decided on the one I wanted.

I picked it more for function over fashion.

Its an over the head style that ties on the sides. It reminds me of my old daisy (first level of girlscouts, before brownies) uniform.

since mom hasnt sewn in YEARS and well, I don't know nearly as much as I thought I did, we just got some inexpensive, lightweight, not ideal for a craft apron, BRIGHT GREEN (thats the color i wanted) broadcloth, to make a mockup, for practice purposes. once the mockup is finished (man its gonna be UGLY... BRIGHT green with dark purple bias tape... eww) we will find a fabric we agree on for the final product and then I will have my fully functional but not fashionable (but still totally awesome) craft apron! YAY!

oh... I'm also dabbling in woodburning and one of these days I'll get the stain on the wood...

oh, and I need dads suitcases so I can PACK...

and moms ready for lunch, so bye!

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Monday, March 02, 2009

Hate my life

actually, thats a song title.


(but yes, I do hate my life... hence WHY I'M CHANGING IT!)

this video struck me as funny, and its a rather upbeat song for everything it entails.

enjoy! (lyrics posted below video)

Theory of a Deadman
"Hate My Life"

So sick of the hobos always begging for change
I don't like how I gotta work and
They just sit around and get paid
I hate all of the people who can't drive their cars.
Bitch you better get outta the way
Before I start falling apart

I hate how my wife is always up my ass
She always wants to buy brand new things
But I don't have the cash.

I hate my job, all of my rich friends
I hate everyone to the bitter end.
Nothing turns out right There's no end in sight
I hate my life!

How come I never get laid nice guys always lose.
How could she have another headache
There's always some kind of excuse
I still hate my job, my boss is a dick
"I don't get paid nearly enough
To put up with all of your shit"

I hate my job, all of my rich friends
I hate everyone to the bitter end.
Nothing turns out right There's no end in sight
I hate my life!

I hate that I can't tell when a girl's underage,
You know, I tell her she's a nice piece of ass,
Then her daddy punches me in the face

So if you're pissed like me
Bitches, here's what you gotta do
Put your middle fingers up in the air
Go on and say "Fuck you!"

I hate my job, all of my rich friends
I hate everyone to the bitter end.
Nothing turns out right There's no end in sight
I hate my life!

So much at stake, can't catch a break
I hate my life
No, it's nothing new hear "it sucks to be you"
I fuckin hate my life

Friday, February 27, 2009

I feel like a tool, at least I didn't cancel my upcoming dental appointment.

the past few weeks, on and off, I've had pain in my mouth/jaw/ear area.

First, I was convinced I'd somehow fucked up my jaw napping on the couch. (don't ask, it doesnt make much sense no matter how I explain it)

Then, I figured it was the cavity that I neglected to get fixed ast year wehn I was dealing with my ROTTING wisdom teeth. (It wasn't bothering me, and like I said, I had ROTTING teeth to deal with)

THEN, when it started to bug me when I swallowed, and the pain got so bad I was driven to tears, and at its worse the ENTIRE SIDE OF MY HEAD hurt, I came to the conclusion that it was my ear.

A few days ago, when I was still convinced it was my teeth, I called and made a dental appointment.

Later that day, I was convinced it was my ear, so I thought about cancelling the dental apt, but figured eh, might as well get the cavity dealt with.

Today, the pain was so bad (amongst other things) that I called out of work. Thus forcing myself to go to the little clinic (thats what its called) and I figured I'd leave with a RX for a free antibiotic, cause well, I thought it was my ear.

Nope. WRONG. both of my ears are in tip top shape.

So are my teeth. The Psychian guy was jelous of my teeth, though he commented that it appeared that I had a grinding issue ('ve been told I do...) which prompted him to run another test that involved me moving my jaw in every direction imaginable...

and thus, the diagnoses of TMJ came about.

so, yea, it's a jaw thing thats causing the ENTIRE SIDE OF MY HEAD to hurt.

on the plus side, this will in no way effect flying cross country on a trip that the majority of people feel I am insane for taking.

this is not one of my better days

I just called out of work.

stating a baaaaaaad ear ache (true) and a low grade fever (lie)

I promised I would go to a clinic today (guess I'm gonna have to now) and that I'll try to be in tomorrow (who the fuck knows)

my dad and brother have taken to tag teaming me about why I SHOULDN'T leave.

they seem under the misconstrued misconception that once I leave I will never come back.

I am simply leaving on a one way ticket, with enough money put aside so I CAN get back, and yes, I plan on getting a job once I'm out there, and JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. They don't seem to understand that the more they try to stop me the more I feel I need to get the fuck out of this place, and ASAP.

mostly, I called out of work today because the more and more I thought about leaving the house, the bigger the weight felt, and the last two times I forced myself to work when I felt like this, I wound up crying AT work, and well, that's just plain sloppy. Especially since I seem to have the impeccable timing of crying when there are no other females at work. Only males, and well, they just don't understand. Hell, females don't understand half the time either, but we're better at dealing with it.

I don't know where this is going anymore.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Distance: 2,953 miles

Two Thousand, Nine Hundred and Fifty Three Miles.

That is the distance, according to Google Earth Maps, I will be travelling in less than a Month time.

Actually, the distance will be greater since I'm flying into an airport north of my actual destination.

Two Thousand, Nine Hundred and Fifty Three Miles is the distance from my current house and the house I will be staying at for the time being.

This is quite probably the most insane thing I have ever done.

It could easily be the most stupid.

I don't think it will be though.

A co-worker told me I would be okay if "you have a minimum of Five grand saved up. That way you can comfortably survive a month or two until you get a job"

Uhm... Do you know how long I could be comfortable if I had that kind of money saved up? I could get a new computer (this one, I fear is on its last legs) AND still "comfortably survive" a number of months.

Needless to say, I don't have anywhere near Five Grand saved.

I am more broke now than I have ever been, but I know that I will never have enough money saved to be comfortable with a move this big, and that if I don't do this now, I never will.

I am 25 years old, with my GED. I have little college education, and have spent the last three years in a job that has not given me permanent full time, and no advancement other than my annual review and 3% raise. I have never lived away from home.

I have taken baby steps my entire life.

They have gotten me no-where.

Its time I plug my nose, and jump. (Feet first. I'm not suicidal)

None of this seems real to me. Not yet anyway. I'm just going through the motions, nothing has sunk in.

I don't know when it will.

I still have a lot to do.

Well, everything really.

So far, I've bought my ticket and informed my job that I'm quitting, and leaving state. (yea, the transfer didn't go through, but like I said, I've been there long enough. It's time I move on)

I need to contact my bank that I'll be travelling indefinitely, and I should check with my cell phone company and see if I'm covered for that area in which I will be.

I haven't packed anything, other than started making a mental list.

I'm new at this. Cut me some slack, k?

My last day at work should be a Sunday. I leave that following Wednesday.

Oh, I should try to figure out if its worth it or not to spend $100 bucks on my passport. I will be close to Canada, after all. Plus, that would be a very handy thing to have in my position.

Seriously, I'm so broke I would not turn down any donations. A new pair of sneakers would be nice. You know, in case I have to walk all 2,953 miles home.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Don't laugh

My brother had that bumper sticker, on the back of his cherry red '72 Volkswagen Bus.

It was his first car. He showed up at my parents house with it one day when he was 21 and I was 14. He bought it from a friend, who in part of selling it had it painted from its old stereotypical hippie paint job of psychedelic colors and designs.

Needless to say, we got a LOT of looks whenever he would give me rides places.

That year, my parents went up to Atlanta on a long weekend, leaving me at the house partly alone. We had convinced A-boy to stay with me that night and the following night. He agreed to make sure I went to school, but he would in no way stay the weekend.

I was a responsible enough to be left alone, even at the age of fourteen.

I hated riding the school bus, so I was able to get my brother to pick me up from school. He would make sure I got to the bus stop on time, but he would not drive me to school.

I remember walking out of the school, that first afternoon, with all the other kids who had rides picking them up. Every other kid was getting a ride home from either their mother, or a friends mother. I was the only getting picked up by my brother.

In his cherry red '72 Volkswagen Bus, with a ball pit (made from McDonald's balls) in the back, and the above sticker smack on the back window.

He was a stereotypical hippie in appearance. My best friends dad called my brother "Shaggy" and called his bus the "mystery machine" which only annoyed A-boy. He would always haughtily point out that the mystery machine was a Ford.

A-boy was very happy when I appeared and told me to get in, and got s away from the school as fast as the bus would take us- which wasn't very fast. He was uncomfortable with all the open stares he was getting from all of the soccer moms. This was a couple of years before cell phones were in wide use, other wise, I'm pretty sure the cops would have been called, or the school alerted.

Like I said, he only stayed with me the schools nights. Come Friday afternoon, I was alone.

Well, alone from Adult supervision.

I had arranged, earlier in the week to have another good friend, who was the same age as me stay over until Sunday. Her parent's were aware that mine were out of state, but I believe we neglected to mention that my brother would NOT be staying the night.

Is it really that surprising that this was the first time I ever got stoned?

I think not.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

copy, pasted, and posted.

written in may of 08. I don't recall if I posted it on JS or not.

A lot of it stands true for now...

except, I bought a plane ticket a few hours ago.

One way.

Maybe to where you think, maybe not.

Anyways, enjoy:

May 10, 2008, 11:15 PM


You are the only one who tells me daily how rude I’m being.

Funny, everyone else seems to think it’s you.

But I’m the one stupid enough to actually tell you.

And that makes me a bitch.

You are the reason I need to get away.

You are the reason why I feel like I’m drowning.

Like a fish out of water, like the asthma commercial.

You are the reason why I feel like I’m going to cry about 12 times a day.

You are the reason for so many things right now.

Few of them good.

And that makes me ill.

I feel like you’re just a waste of space right now, in my life.

Getting in the way of everything, holding me back without doing a damn thing.

You are the one that brings me so low I have to inhale my way back up.

You are the that makes my thoughts race so fast I can’t hold a single thought.

You are not to be blamed for most of these things. I know this.

However, I find it mighty coincidental that after your current habits started, I’ve found myself falling back through the hole I spent years crawling out of.

It’s obvious to most who know me that I’m miserable here.

I don’t know if they realize how stuck I really am.

I feel like I’ve been stuck in a rut, and am just now realizing.

I’ve gotten to comfortable with myself and this life, that it makes my skin crawl.

Literally makes my skin crawl.

I spend too much of my time alone. Or with you.

I need to start… being an adult.

I feel embarrassed when I meet old acquaintance and I’m still at the same spot in my life, maybe even backtracked some, since the time we last met.
I don’t go up to anyone. I wait to be approached.

I’m more uncomfortable then I have ever been, and this sucks, because barely 2 years ago, I was briefly at my most comfortable.

I felt like life was on track and going as planned. No, but that was 3 years ago, even still, two years ago I felt okay. Great even.

I wasn’t alone then, like I am now.

I’m more alone than I have ever been.

Part of me likes living in myself like I have lately.

But I want to live outside, too.

I doubt myself more now than ever.

I want the happy medium, even if that means I turn into an eccentric.

Fuck, I’ve been an eccentric my entire existence.

One of the few things I like about my self. Albeit, secretly.

You are the reason that this is no longer about you.

The torch has passed itself onto me.

May 11, 2008, 12:14 AM

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

sorry for my ansence

I have been around. PROMISE! I have been lurking, and reading, and occasionally commenting.

I just haven't been updating. on here.

I have so much to say and not sure how to say a single word.

So until I figure it out, I'll probably be on the quiet side, posting entries filled of fluff.

Friday, February 13, 2009


This chorus keeps running through my skull.

so here's the video.
lyrics below

Against Me!


Stop! Take some time to think, figure out what's important to you.
Stop! Take some time to think, figure out what's important to you.
Stop! Take some time to think, figure out what's important to you.
You've got to make a serious decision.

It could be me up there in stage lights.
It could be me on the TV in you living room.
It could be me jet setting with my band all across the world.
Appearing live in concert one night only, tickets sold out.

Stop! Take some time to think, figure out what's important to you.
Stop! Take some time to think, figure out what's important to you.
Stop! Take some time to think, figure out what's important to you.
You've got to make a serious decision.

There I am giving candid disclosure to press in interview.
There I go on my way through the crowd up to the podium.
On behalf of our fans we'd like to accept this award.
Smile for the camera boys, gold record in hand.

Stop! Take some time to think, figure out what's important to you.
Stop! Take some time to think, figure out what's important to you.
Stop! Take some time to think, figure out what's important to you.
You've got to make a serious decision.

All of our lives in waiting.
All of our lives traded for their roses and applause.
All of our lives dedicated to shoving it right back in their fucking face.

Stop! Take some time to think, figure out what's important to you.
Stop! Take some time to think, figure out what's important to you.
Stop! Take some time to think, figure out what's important to you.
You've got to make a serious decision.
I said you've got to make a serious decision.

Stop! Take some time to think.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

An entry to reply to the comments in the previous post

this started out as a comment, but I decided to let it be a post instead.

Thank you all for your comments.

I have no intention of speaking to either of them again, at least never socially.

They do have some items of mine, that I would like to get back. They've had them for awhile, and we always spoke of returning them to me, but one thing lead to another, and I never got them back. I was supposed to get them back the last time I saw them, but well, you know how that turned out.

My plan will be to contact them, via email, because I have no interest what so ever to speak to either of them, and arrange for them to bring my things to the house when I am not home. My mother will probably be home, and well, I'll let her deal with them. I know she has a bunch of things she wants to say and is much better at controlling her emotions than I am. (hence why I chose to speak to her over messenger and not on the phone or in person)

Is this a low blow? Maybe. I'm sure it could he handled in a more mature manner, but right now, I feel I have control of the situation, and well, I want my things back, and I feel that someone needs to tell her the true details of the night, whether she listens or not.

Everyone who I have spoken to about these events agree with me, and with all of you, in that she has a very serious problem, and is in denial over it. I am past the point of even wanting to help her. Her life is her own, I have my own shit to deal with.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

he didn't tell her.

sorry it's not so eloquent, I wish it were more so.

I spoke with psycho bitch on aim, last night.

here is an exerpt.

(psycho bitch is the new name for the one who gave me hell on new years)

first, I asked if she was around. After a few minutes, I assumed she wasn't, and closed the chat window. this is where the conversation starts:

[23:57] psychobitch: yeah
[23:58] Clairesey1: Just so you know, I don't hate you
[23:58] psychobitch: right on
[23:58] Clairesey1: However the trust that was there, is loooong gone.
[23:58] psychobitch: emofest go!
[23:58] Clairesey1: yea, I don't really want to go there, but if thats where this goes, then, oh well
[23:59] Clairesey1: What did Matt tell you happened, I'm curious. I only know my end, i'd like his perspective
[23:59] psychobitch: he told me the cops came and that i went crazy
[23:59] psychobitch: broke a tv or something
[00:00] Clairesey1: what else did he tell you?
[00:00] Clairesey1: or what else do you know?
[00:00] psychobitch: that you probably wouldnt be my friend anymore
[00:00] Clairesey1: did he tell you why?
[00:00] psychobitch: not really
[00:00] Clairesey1: Ah
[00:01] Clairesey1: so he left out that you pulled my hair so hard I was screaming for him to get you off of me, and that you BIT ME, TWICE?
[00:01] Clairesey1: you bit me so hard that the cops asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital. I didn't. I also waived my right to press charges.
[00:01] psychobitch: guess not, but he told me he puked all over himself in front of the cops lmao
[00:02] Clairesey1: oh, did he tell you that you pulled a knife on me? from the knife block?
[00:02] Clairesey1: thats when I freaked out and started screaming at the top of my lungs.
[00:02] psychobitch: so what is my response supposed to be here
[00:02] Clairesey1: this was after you plled my hair, and he got you off me, bit me twice, and threw your vacuum at the wall.
[00:02] Clairesey1: I don't know, I just wanted you to know
[00:03] Clairesey1: I'm no longer angry, I just wanted you to know
[00:03] psychobitch: sorry if its true, i dont remember anything and i highly doubt i would randomly get violent for no reason at all
[00:03] psychobitch: but hey man drunk people make no sense amirite
[00:03] Clairesey1: I still have one of the marks. I should have taken pictures, but I didnt.
[00:04] Clairesey1: anyways, I just wanted you to know I didn't hate you.
[00:04] psychobitch: awesome, didn't need that kind of shit festering
[00:04] Clairesey1: The person who attacked me wasn't you. You were long gone at that point.

The conversation went on, for a few minutes longer, but it mostly tapered off. In the end, I told her I was gonna go and to take care. She wished me the same. That was it.

There is so much left unsaid, that I don't plan to say.

How much you want to bet she was drinking?


Monday, February 09, 2009

To the six that it concerns;

Dear Westy, Xanadu, Tuesday, Aunty, Sammi and Mr. Scribs,

Your projects are in the works. I'll figure out what exactly I'm doing and how to get them to you at a later time and date.

Right now, I can tell you that the following items are involved one way or another in what I'm creating:

canvas board,
wooden plaques,
duel tipped markers in twelve colors,
wood stain,
wood engraver,

there are a couple projects in the works. some of you will receive one, while the others will receive another.

This is all stuff I had lying around un-used.

*cue the maniacal laughter*

Saturday, February 07, 2009

just keep swimming.

As a Floridian, most people assume I grew up on the beach and/or in a pool.

True, I have always lived within a 15minute drive to a beach. I have always known someone with a pool.

Most people assume I'm a kick ass swimmer, because 1) I've lived by water my entire life, and I have a broad back.

I'm not really sure what the broad back has much to do with swimming, but it sure hasn't helped me much.

I didn't learn to swim until I was 8, a few months shy of being 9.

It wasn't from lack of trying. When I was four, my mom enrolled me in summer swimming lessons at the public pool at G.T. Bray Park a mere five minute car ride from the house.

I was in a class with other kids my age. The first class, we were expected to sit on one of the lower steps of the pool, with only our eyes and nose out of the water. We were learning how to breath under water. I panicked, and wound up having to be removed from the class. One of the instructors took me out of the pool, wrapped me in my towel, and took me to the concession stand for a lolly pop.

The second day, we were expected to let go of the edge of the pool, without swim rings on.

Again, I was removed from the class.

The third day, my mom joined me, and I was moved to the class level below the preschoolers.

It was a Mommy and Me styled class, in the kiddie pool, where we paddled along and played in the water. I loved that pool at four years of age, I was already taller than other kids my age, I towered over the other kids in the group. I think I was the only potty trained kid. I could stand in the middle of the pool and still have my upper body be completely out of the water.

By the end of the sessions, the mommy and me kids were all comfortable in the water and ready for the next level.

All of the kids in the class I had been booted from were all swimming well enough they were allowed to jump off the diving board into the deep end.

When I did learn to swim, four years later, it was by accident. I was in the deep end of a hotel pool. I had gotten there by walking along the edge of the pool, and i lost my grip on the edge and in a frantic paddle, I was able to stay afloat.

I had quit wearing swim rings by that point, because they were a pain to keep on, so I always just hung onto the edge if I couldn't tough the bottom.

Now, at the age of 25, I can dog paddle, tread water, and float.

I have never been able to dive to the bottom, and I have no plans on ever needing to do so. I can keep myself afloat, and am fairly certain that in an emergency I could keep another person afloat also.

I have never been a fan of diving boards, or even jumping off the edge. I was always a "walk out and swim back" type of gal.

Now, I need to dive into depths unknown.

Friday, February 06, 2009

I feel


And, roughly, 18,000 other distinct feelings bordering on the negative.


You know, Life, the Universe, and Everything.

I hope I haven't burned my bridges, and if I did, then I pray that I can mend them.
Especially the ones I haven't even crossed yet.

You know, cause, sometimes I use a flame thrower.

No clue if that made any sense to anyone else, but the image of me throwing flames at a bridge off in the future was slightly amusing to myself.

I need to use a sick day.

From myself.

Unfortunately, I can't find the paperwork needed to file for that type of claim.

Thursday, February 05, 2009

I think I can understand where they're coming from but... no, not really (stolen from my local paper. no real updates til I get a sixth person!)

Family sues Albertsons over debilitating crash


BRADENTON — Monica Costello’s pain is still raw as she recalls the accident that left her son nearly brain dead and wheelchair-bound, most likely for the rest of his life.

Some days, it gets so tough she wonders if she did the right thing for her son by keeping him alive.

“I ask myself all the time if he would have wanted this,” she said. “It is terrible agony to wonder that and feel at the same time there is no way I think I could handle being the person to take my son out of this world.”

Ryan Costello, 22, has been in a wheelchair since the April 8, 2006, crash, in which the Florida Highway Patrol says his friend, Zane Zavadil, 19, drove off Anna Maria Bridge. FHP troopers ruled both Costello, then 19, and Zavadil, who died in the crash, had been drinking alcohol before the accident.

Now an Orlando attorney hopes to prove the Albertsons grocery store chain is responsible for the crash that brought widespread publicity and sadness in Manatee almost three years ago.

Attorney Woody Igou filed a lawsuit Wednesday at the Manatee courthouse stating several witnesses have given sworn testimony that they were with Costello and Zavadil, who were underage, when they bought the alcohol they drank before the crash from the Albertsons store at 7415 Manatee Ave. W.

The lawsuit also alleges an ongoing pattern of sales of alcohol to minors at the store. Igou said during his investigation, several witnesses have also testified to buying alcohol from the store more than 200 times while underage.

Igou argued in his lawsuit that Albertsons engaged in “grossly negligent conduct that contributed to the injuries and losses to plaintiffs and others.”

The lawsuit was filed against Supervalu, Inc., a Minnesota-based company described in the suit as the owner of the Manatee Avenue store at the time of the crash. However, a Supervalu spokeswoman said the company did not own the Albertsons store at the time of the crash, which Igou refuted.

Officials with Supervalu and Albertsons, LLC, the listed owner of the Manatee Avenue Albertsons, did not return phone calls seeking responses to Igou’s claims.

Monica Costello said attorneys for Supervalu have been to her house and examined her son’s condition, as well as the medical equipment needed to keep him alive. But she has not heard from Supervalu or Albertsons since.

Igou said he has sought to settle with Albertsons officials, but he said his phone calls are not being returned.

Said Costello: “To me that is a slap in the face, that they won’t even acknowledge us.”

Igou said a medical expert he hired said the cost of medical care for Ryan Costello for the rest of his life will amount to an estimated $15 million to $20 million, which he is seeking in the lawsuit.

Costello said her son’s injuries have crushed her not only emotionally but financially.

“It has been beyond catastrophic for a single mother,” she said.

The lawsuit is not just about the money, she said. Costello often talks to DUI offender classes about the dangers of drinking and driving, and she says she just wants to see a store she believes is consistently selling alcohol to minors to stop.

“I am not saying my son is not responsible for his part of what happened to him. As you can see, he’s paying severely for what he did,” Costello said. “I just want Albertsons to be held responsible to operate under the letter of the law. One boy lost his life, another boy lost the life he knew. I just don’t want any other mothers to go through this.”

© 2009 and wire service sources. All Rights Reserved.

if you go to the papers webpage, there are pictures of the kid and his mom. I went to HS with him, and Zane, but was a senior when they were freshman. I kinda knew Zane, we had an art class together and sat at the same table. He was the obnoxious freshman surrounded by seniors. I wasn't really a fan, but I was saddened when I heard of his death, just because well, I knew him, and he died and he was younger than me. Shit like that sucks.

Friday, January 30, 2009

A game like thinger (stolen from Westy!)

okay, this part I copied and pasted: The first six people to respond to this post will get something made by me.

This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:

- What I create will be personalized and intended for you.

- It’ll be done this year (2009).

- You will have no idea what it’s going to be. It may be a poem, a story or article collection, a food item, an herbal mix or tea or incense, a recipe collection, a piece of jewelry, or anything in between! Who knows? Not you, that’s for sure!

The catch? You have to put this offer in your journal or blog as well, and make six things for your friends!

This part is totally ME except I can't get the Italics to turn off... damn it... so I'll make it BOLD.

okay, I got the italics turned off, but decided to keep this part in bold so you will READ IT. thanks!

Okay, so I'm gonna do my bestest to follow through assuming that people actually want to participate. I'm not really that creative in the kitchen, and I sure as hell don't know how to make incense, but there is a fair bit I CAN do, given enough time and some cash in a craft store. I'm not the best about getting stuff in the mail (sorry anyone who didn't receive their Christmas cards... those are still sitting on my shelf, I never did get around to getting stamps...)

Anyways, with the time line of the whatever being received, and who knows, maybe I'll write a poem? except, probably not, cause I haven't been doing much of that lately. Maybe a blog? eh... not really a blogger though I do have a digital camcorder I've never used... who knows, I'll think of SOMETHING, assuming that people actually want to participate.


Monday, January 26, 2009

musical survey stolen from myspace

Go to your music player of choice and put it on shuffle. Say the following questions aloud, and press play. Use the song titles that come up to answer each question.


How does the world see me?
Overweight- Blue October.


Will I have a happy life?
Alone, Together- The Strokes.

What do people really think of me?
Bad Scene and a Basement Show- Less Than Jake

Do people secretly lust after me?
So Nice, So Smart- Kimya Dawsone

How can I make myself happy?
Retro Vertigo- Mr.

What should I do with my life?
Ramona- Guster


Will I ever have children?
Thru The Eyes of Ruby- Smashing Pumpins

What is some good advice for me?
Daria- Cake

What do I think my current theme song is?
Whose Got The Crack- Moldy Peaches


What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
Jesus on the Radio- Guster

What type of men/women do I like?
She's Only 18- Red Hot Chili Peppers.

So... I like younger guys?

What is my day (tomorrow) going to be like?
You Look Like I need a Drink- Against Me!

uhm... sums things up fairly well, me thinks...

Why am I here?
Piano Man- Ghostland Observatory

What will people remember me for?
Nothin' - Reel Big Fish

Oh, dear...

What song will I get stuck in my head tomorrow?
The Space They Can't Touch- Less Than Jake

What will this year be all about?
Good Bye In Gasoline- Less Than Jake

HELLZ YEA!!!! This song is the song I ALWAYS play as the plain leaves Florida...
(if you don't know this song look up the lyrics... seriously, best song for leaving...)

Sunday, January 25, 2009

A dream, dreamt.

[17:14] Clairesey83: I had a dream that I smoked your pot
[17:15] Aunty missi: ok...
[17:15] Aunty missi: I don't have any pot
[17:15] Clairesey83: yea, it was an odd dream
[17:15] Aunty missi: sounds like it
[17:15] Clairesey83: actually, it was your sisters pot, that you bought for her
[17:15] Clairesey83: so then I owed your sister money
[17:15] Clairesey83: and man, she was a bitch
[17:16] Clairesey83: but then, I probably would have been too if someone had smoked my pot
[17:16] Aunty missi: lol, which sister
[17:16] Clairesey83: I don't know
[17:16] Clairesey83: oh, and i'm fairly certain the apartment we were in was somewhere in Florida
[17:16] Clairesey83: and I woke up in your bed, your minnesota bed
[17:17] Aunty missi: hahaha
[17:17] Clairesey83: and got up and sat down at the desk, found a bag of pot and started sorting through the seeds and sticks and packed a bowl and saved some for later
[17:18] Clairesey83: and some guy was like "i'm not sure you should be doing that"
[17:18] Clairesey83: oh, i think there was a party... lots of long haired guys with no shirts on
[17:18] Clairesey83: but like i said, we were in florida, and thats actually pretty common...
[17:19] Clairesey83: we had terazzo floors
[17:19] Clairesey83: well, the guys w/o a shirt is fairly common
[17:20] Aunty missi: you are strange indeed
[17:20] Clairesey83: but you love me anyway, right?
[17:20] Aunty missi: yeah

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

A new post, because well, I owe one?

I haven't been updating like I used to.

I have plenty to say, I just can't seem to get it to leave my head.

I'm just bumming around the universe trying to make my own place. You know, the usual.

Except, by universe, I mean this shitty house in this shitty town.
Deep down, I love this house, actually, its the people I love, and the character that we have built here over the the past score of years.

I'm not sure if I used score correctly, its such an underused word. I wasn't sure if I needed to add "years" after it or not.

I received a cheap little digital camcorder for christmas. I have yet to make any type of video of any actual substance. I have yet to even upload the software onto Wembley.

Wembley is this machine, by the way. People seem to find it odd that not only did I name my computer, but I also refer to it by name.

PA is the new WA, for anyone who has any idea what the might mean. The time line is in question and a whole new set of plans has to be made, and executed.

okay, so anyway, eventually i'll get around to making some type of video of some sort.
I took the camcorder thing with me on new years, with the plan of making a drunken video, but well, my new years plans did NOT happen like I had planned.

I can STILL see the outline of the bitemark on my left hand. I have yet to contact her. I'm not even sure what all I will say to her, I don't want to be bitchy, or rude, or sappy or overly emotional. I want to get my point across without being too blunt. I'm not even sure if I should even say anything to her, except well, I think I might want to.

I have so many unfinished projects, and projects that aren't even started, and I just... maybe they will be complete some time, some day. Who knows.

This entry isn't what I planned it to be, but seeing how I started this with no plan, maybe thats okay.

Either way, I'm out.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

guess I have a lot on my mind

because here it is, 5:14 am and I'm still awake.


Well, considering I didn't fall asleep until almost 7am yesterday, and I did sleep until about 2:30pm today, thats really not all that surprising.

However, my alarm is set to go off at 7am, and I'm scheduled in at work at 10.

have I said crap, yet?

yes, I did.

I decided about two (?) hours ago that if I was still awake at 5:30 i'd get up and take a shower, which, really, should have been taken hours ago.

A nice, long shower, get in a good shave, all that, except... that'll knock me out.

I know this because my body is tired. my muscles are sore and achey and i don't have much energy...

but my damn brain won't slow down.

I have a lot on it. Plans and opportunities that have arisen and changed and morphed and been reborn.

cryptic, again, I know. I can't give details out yet, because well, even though mentally I have plans going full swing, I still have to cross check everything and change a few things.

oh. and the fact that i'm broke broke broke.

Oh, and somehow in the past hour, I've started a lovely sounding hacky cough, and the thought of calling out is seeming more and more appealing, though, i KNOW i'm not sick. I'll jsut sleep away the shift, which... my sleep schedule is fucked, but I'm not calling out of work so I can sleep.

I'm yawning like crazy now, but my mind: zoom zooom zoooooooooom, there it goes along.

damn this. 5:20.

okay, shower time. get in a nice shave, cause the only pants I have clean are my capri's. It'll be a bit cool for capri's, but I'll be inside all day, and I can always wear long sleeves, so i'm not too concerned.

so. I'll take the damn shower, then reset the alarm for 9, pray I can crash out, get up at 9 toss the pants in the dryer, cause they're whoa wrinkled, and right now I hate my iron and besides if I sleep til 9, thatll cut too close my ironing time. I won;t have the chance to style my hair like I hoped, but i'll be able to make it look decent, and makeup shouldnt be too big of an issue, I can either go without, (i'd rather not, I was hoping to have a cute day) or just do my usual staple of powder, lipstick, and mascara. I'll eat an orange, have a few cups of coffee, toss a yogurt in my purse and leave the house around 940.

damn. today is gonna suck.

Monday, January 12, 2009

maybe I'm a bitch. Maybe I'm just me.

He wanted to hang out tonight.

At first I agreed. On my terms.

He could come over, but we would sit on the front porch. He would no come inside.

I told him everyone else was either in bed, or on their way to bed. They got up early, I said. We should stay outside. Keep the noise levels down.

Just sit, and talk. Like old times.

Like, before, when he would sneak over in the middle of the night, parking his car on the county's grass across the street. Sometimes, we would just sit out their for hours and talk.

Later, we would sit out there for hours and smoke, as well as talk.

We had a lot to say in those days. Often interrupting each other, not letting the other finish before we would start in on a totally different tangent. Occasionally you could elbow your way back in and weave the topic back to its starting point.

Usually, the conversation started at point A and wound up somewhere down a few black holes and in a field full of unicorn.

Later, after sitting for hours on the porch, we would work our way inside, to the back, where my room was. It got to the point when the other people here no longer asked whose red car was parked out front. It got to a point when no one bothered asking what time he had arrived, or what we did, or if we had fun.

Then it got to a point when we started changing. Drifting. Growing. Moving on.

Except, now, it appears even though over two years have past, we're back at where we were.

I'm the one that wanted to get back in touch, but now i'm blanching. I should have waited until I had moved on, moved out, left the state and was on the other side of the country.

He claims to have changed, yet when he talks, its the exact same guy that I was infatuated with, except, I'm older, and feel wiser, and he's still talking the same bull shit and telling the same stories and the same lies. I see through it now for what it is.

He says he "loves me to death" and he wants to stay friends. Stay in each others lives.

Yet, after he called back to say he was ot of the shower, and almost on his way over, I waited a few minutes. Thought things through.

Then I called him back.

He was just one untied shoe string away from walking out the door. I told him It was getting later, and that everyone else was on their way to bed, and I wasn't in the mood to talk. I was more in the mood of staying in the house. In my room. Alone. And watching a movie. Alone.

I was backtracking. Apologizing. Saying not to come. Maybe some other time.

He understood. I think he understood better than I could ever give him credit for understanding.

I have forgotten where I was headed with this. I no longer know.

With that, I am out.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

An Actual Conversation (hey look, its an actual post!)

-SoundEcho walks into garage/den blowing heat off a fresh cup of coffee-
-Dad/Garage guru, sees fresh cup of coffee and gets all excited-
Dad/Garage guru: "Why, you made a fresh pot of coffee! Aren't you a chrome plated sweetheart!"
SoundEcho: "Uhm, yea, I did make a pot of coffee, but I didn't bring you any."
Dad/Garage guru: "Well, fine then, remove the chrome plating!"
SoundEcho: "Well, at least I'm still a sweetheart!"

Over a week later, and the bruises are still showing. (we're ignoring the fact that bruises take their sweet ass time healing on my skin) I'm going with my moms advice to "wait until the bruises are completely gone before you send her any type of reply".

I still haven't heard anything from her, except the text message last thursday afternoon. (the one where she said her husband TOLD her what happened and she understands if I hate her.) I just want to clarify that I don't hate her. Hate doesn't begin to even explain anything to do with the emotions I felt the days following the 'incident'. I want her to know this. It's a terrible burdon thinking someone hates you, when infact, they don't. Especially if the person knows the true definition of hate. (I do. I don't know if she does, but I do, and I know that its a highly misused word. At least the way I was raised) I also want to know what her husuband told her of the events.

Okay, moving on.

I think I've been able to convince my yankee manager at work to call me "C.B" instead of the grossly overused pet name that I only allow family and close friends to call me.

Now, if I can just get the cute 19yr old country boy to stop calling me that. (he insists he's quoting a movie... i'd believe him except I know that movie, and I did NOT appriciate Chistopher Walkin saying my moms petname for me in his highly creepy Christopher Walkin voice)

Tonight, I am having a girly night. Dinner at a crappy chain eating establishment, followed by the quintesential chick flick. (bride wars)

We don't usually go to the crappy chain place, but we're both between paydays, and she has a gift card. We're going to eat fairly early, and then go to the 'late' showing of the movie (9:45)

We have a LOT to talk about, we always do, because we go weeks w/o talking. Nights out with my girly friend are awesome.

Oh. My ex called last night. I wasn't in the room, so he left voicemail. I was busy playing 'scene it' on the 360 with my bro (and oddly, my mom joined in...) I forgot that the ex wanted to try to be friends. I was perfectly content with seeing him the one time and then going on my little way.

I spoke with my store manager last night. He said he will call the WA store on Monday to see about if I can transfer. I am off Monday and Tuesday, so you can bet my ass will be calling the store on Monday to see if he actually did it or not. I have no idea if I'll be able to transfer. So much is riding on it, and to be honest I have pretty low hope. If theyre store and hour situation is anything like my current stores hour situation, then I won't be able to transfer. Even 20 hours a week, which is what i'm currently getting (and i'm lucky to even get THAT) would be welcome. It would be SOMETHING.

I need my w2. NOW. however, BBB always mails their w2's out, and we never receive them until the end of the month. As soon as I get that sucker, i'm filing my freaking taxes. I don;t think anyone realizses how broke I am. I thought I was broke last year... nope. I need my tax money to finance this trip/move.

All right, I'm out.

Monday, January 05, 2009

okay, okay, I'll finish the tale...

Friday, I arrived at work, trying to stifle my sobs, with my hair frizzy from being air dried and completely un-brushed since it had hurt to much just to wash my hair.

I should have called out, but hadn't and it was made clear very quickly that they all agreed that I shouldn't be there, but we are so short staffed there was no way for me to leave. Thankfully it was only a five hour shift, and they put me to work and kept me busy.

I was feeling much better about things as the night went on, but I still felt like any little thing would cause me to burst into tears again.

After I got out of work at 10, I went to wal-mart to go pick up a few things. It was one of those trips that you know there are things you need, but your not entirely sure what so you just sort of wander aimlessly through the aisles. Mostly, I felt I needed a treat of some sort. I got a new accordion file folder for keeping all of my 2009 paper work in. (I get a new one every year, since 2003. I'm having a hard time finding a new color that I haven't already used. I was very happy to find a stripey pink and brown one. It's cute, and I won't get it confused with a past years file) I also got a copy of the book "Revolutionary Road" which I started reading the other night. So far it is very good. I got a few other odds and ends, some pipe cleaners (called "fuzzy stix") cause I was out, and they come in whoa handy when your a little garage hippy like myself. As I was leaving, I passed by the McDonalds that was about to close and got a whiff of their french fries. I hadn't had supper yet, and I hadn't had any of their fries in months, so I decided why not. I was their last order for the night, and they were probably inwardly cursing that I was able to watch their every move cause they probably wanted to spit in my fries and mcflurry (with m&ms) but since I could watch what they were doing, I got my food spit free.

I got home about 11:15 and munched on my fries and ate my mcflurry and more or less just bummed around. I wasn't able to fall asleep until after 4am, and thanks to my cat, Oscar, I was up again around 7:15.

My sister and her husband were leaving to head back to Texas around noon, so I spent some time with them while they finished packing their bags and whatnot.

Around 1pm I decided I needed a nap, and slept until almost 6pm.

Saturday, like I've said was very uneventful, until around 11:30 when I went out with my ex.

That was fairly uneventful on its own. We drove around and went to a cafe in South Sarasota called "Munchies 4:20" that is open from 4:20pm to 4:20am. Neither of us had the munchies though, so we shared a lemonade and talked. He doesn't smoke anymore and I just ate before we left so yea.

He's still... him. full of the same shit and exaggerated stories and lies. It's good to know that he's still around if I need someone to listen, that is, if I can get a word in. I wasn't feeling very talkative, which struck me as odd, because when we were together all we did was talk, constantly interrupting the other. we were always fighting to get another word in before the other took over the conversation

I never fully relaxed the entire time we were together, keeping my cellphone within reach the entire time. If he noticed, he didn't say anything about that. Mostly, he kept the music so loud in the car that it was hard to keep a conversation going. That was fine.

Sunday, I worked. I had another coworker tell me I seemed traumatized by the events of new years, and well, I honestly think I am. When I went to work yesterday I made certain to dress extra nice and that my hair was brushed and I had makeup on. I wanted to show them that I was at least capable of looking semi human. (sadly none of the others who saw me Friday were there on Sunday. dang)

I am off today and tomorrow. I think I want to get my hair cut/styled. I haven't had it styled in over a year. My mom cut it for me a few months ago, but we opted to keep it all one length. I think I want some style to it, and I want to dye it. I'll dye it myself, but leave the styling up to the professionals.

so, that's whats going on in my land.

Saturday, January 03, 2009

First Saturday of 09

Is pretty tame, which, honestly, is perfectly fine with me tonight.

I had enough excitement Thursday Morning that I'm content to lay low for awhile.

I think I'll more or less begin where my last entry ended.
Thursday morning, I woke up after a few fitful hours of sleep, and my parents, sister, brother in law, and brother were all home getting ready for their days.

I had to work at noon, and because I woke up over two hours before I had planned on, I took my time getting ready. I had absolutely no energy for anything, but I was too uncomfortable to be able to go back to bed.

My parents and sister and BIL were all headed up to Orlando for the day, for a party with my sisters family. It was a combination house warming/80th birthday/christmas/new year party with everyone from my sisters family. My brother and I were both invited, but I had to work, and he abhors Orlando, so he opted to stay home and get me to and from work, since I don't drive.

I couldn't talk about anything at work, except what had happened to me the night before. The bite marks were still fairly fresh, my head was very tender, and it hurt to brush my hair, or even wear a hair tie. My whole body ached, and I was going on just a couple hours of sleep.

That night my brother picked me up from work, and knowing that the rest of the family wouldn't be home until fairly late, we decided to go through the Wendy's drive thru. (his idea of eating out...) We got some chicken sandwiches and teeny tiny little things of fries, and went home to eat.

We hung out in the garage for awhile, smoking a bit, then decided that we should try out the DVD player he got me for christmas, with his digital projector. He had also gotten me the movie 'kung fu panda' and since neither of us had seen it before we decided to watch that. We set up the big screen (literally, a big screen) and my new dvd player and his projector, smoked another bowl or so, and then went inside to watch the movie.

I was beginning to realize how exhasted my body was, but I wasn't ready for bed. I curled up in my dads recliner with a blanket my sis and bil got me from Mexico, and enjoyed the movie.

It was a VERY nice night, that I needed. It allowed me to relax and enjoy myself.

I noticed during the movie that the back of my head was being aggrivated by the back of the chair, and it occured to me that it was very likely that my scalp was BRUISED.

Not too long after the movie the rest of the family came home, and my mom looked over my bruises and helped me brush my hair. It hurt to brush my hair, no matter how gentle we were. Mostly on the side that got pulled, but all over.

I didn't have to work until 5pm on Friday, so I looked forward to sleeping in.

Friday, I woke up about noon, after a very restful 11 hours of sleep. I felt much better in a lot of wats, but I still felt horrible in many others.

The emotions from the evens finally set in with me as the day went on, and I found my self openly sobbing over little things.

My sister had admitted to me that Wednesday night while she was using my laptop she somehow managed to DROP IT. It appeared to be okay, so I didnt think much of it. Thursday night when I went to bed, I shut it all the way down, and closed it. Friday when I got up, I opened my computer, and turned it on and immediatly noticed that the colors were VERY wrong. What should have been black was BRIGHT GREEN. Now I LOVE bright green, but not when its supposed to be BLACK. What should have been dark blue, was light blue with stripeys all through it.

I started sobbing... My sister promised to get it fixed for me, and asked if I ahd trried to shut it back down and restart it. I hadn't, so I tried that and... when it started back up, everythjing was a-okay! woohoo! So I informed my sister, and apologised for freaking out. She understood and asked me to keep my eye on it to make note of any other odd behaviors for her.

I had a few hours to kill before I needed to get ready for work. My head was very tender after sleeping on it all night, and my arm and hand still urt quite a bit even though they looked much better.

About two hours before work I decided to go take a shower. I hadn't washed my hair since before new years, and I thought the hot water would be relaxing.

I was WRONG. Oh. My. Goodness. Washing my hair HURT like insanity. Not to mention I was still shedding a good deal. I very carefully conditioned my hair and very very carefully combed it in the shower.

My afternoon went downhill from there. Every little thing was setting me off. I had about four sobbing fits before work, and I was still crying when I arrived at work. Not to mention that I hadn't bothered to do a damn thing with my hair. I let it air dry...

okay... uhm, total change of direction.

My ex just called and wants to hang out tonight. I have been trying to get in contact with him again, so, i'm gonna get going.

I'll finish this at another time.

2009 didn't start so fine...

Okay, so my new years was way more wild than I anticipated and a LOT less fun.

Loooong story short:

Right after the ball fell, I made plans to meet up with and stay the night with two good friends of mine, who are married. I was IN THEIR WEDDING, back in Feb of 07.

They live about 20 blocks away, and when they called it was very plain that neither of them was in any condition to drive. Because my original, and back up plans for the night fell through I was game to do... SOMETHING. I didn't care, I just wanted to go have fun. Anyways, because they were not in shape to drive, we agreed to start walking towards each other, that way, I wouldn't be the only walking and I wouldn't be by myself for too long.

I quickly packed an overnight bag, grabbed my brand new, obnoxiously pink, mini mag (its a flashlight for those not in the know) and after explaining my plans to my mother and brother, both of who weren't fond of me walking, but neither wanted to drive me, I headed out.

The walk was fairly uneventful. We met up about half way, and as we approached their apartment we saw their neighbors outside enjoying a fire in the pit in the front yard. We hollered back and forth to each other "HAPPY NEW YEAR!" And went inside and had a shot or two of goldschlager. (i don't really recall how many shots)

At one point, I had a shot of Hot damn, schnapps, and then another shot of after shock.

The neighbors saw us moving around the apartment, so they hollered at us to come join them. It was a Mexican family, most of whom lived in the house next door, but a couple lived in the apartment below my friends. They brought out some chairs for us, and we introduced ourselves all around. It was a fun, cheerful time. They were out of milk and were sad cause they wanted more white russians. My friends had milk, so me and the wife ran upstairs to go retrieve it. When we came back down, two of the ladies happily took the milk and declared it the perfect amount for five drinks. (one for each of them, plus me, and my married friends) They went inside and made the drinks and brought them to us in plastic tumblers.

It was becoming very clear that my female friend was VERY VERY VERY drunk. She was on her 7th loop about how she wanted to learn MEXICAN Spanish. I quickly calculated how drunk I was, and realized that she had had as much to drink as I did, plus who knows how much more.

It was decided that we should go back to the apartment after she fell out of her chair and her husband couldn't get her up. One of the men there helped me stand her up, and as soon as I took the first step, she fell back down. Her husband could do nothing but laugh at the situation. The neighbor scooped her up in a fireman's carry, and brought her up the stairs.

By this time, she had started to freak out, and managed to bite his arm, THROUGH his leather jacket. He showed me the teeth marks while he was telling me that I needed to TRY (his words) to keep her inside. I told him to wash his hand and put ice on it. He wished me a good night, and I switched the deadlock on the door.

My friends had gone into their bedroom, and he collapsed on the floor next to the bed, and she on top of him. He was yelling that she was hurting him and to call the cops. I knew they were both just very drunk and that he wasn't actually hurt. After a decent work out, I was able to drag her up on the bed.

By now she was moaning and sobbing and incoherently yelling. I lay down ext to her, and was trying to sooth her and calm her down. My hope was that she would pass out, and then I would go crash on the couch until about 11, when I'd wake up and they'd take me to work. (that was the original plan) this did not happen.

I was trying to calm her down, the way you would a child whose been throwing a fit and has collapsed into hysterics. (anyone with a toddler knows what I mean) however, this was someone my own age and even though shes 6 inches shorter than me, she's still got all the strength and force of a healthy 25 year old.

While I was attempting to calm her, she swung her arm and WHACK! she clocked my on my left cheek. I was stunned momentarily, I had never been hit with such force before. I saw her swinging at me again (we were laying down) and I moved to constrain her arms. I was able to block any other hits, but I had forgotten that she had already bit the neighbor from down stairs.

She bit me, threw my sweater, on my left hand between my thumb and pointer finger. I was MAD. I yelled at her "NO Ma'am! You will NOT bite me!" Just like I used to when I taught toddlers. (actually, I yelled it MUCH louder) She bit me again. This time, on my right arm, above the wrist.

She was still crying, sobbing, screaming, yelling. I was trying to make just as much noise as she was. I was mad, shocked and in pain.

Then she grabbed my left braid.

I never wear braids, or pigtails, but this night I had. My sister was visiting and I asked her to braid my hair before she left to go out for the night.

I've had my hair pulled before, but never like this. This was a grown women throwing every ounce of strength into pulling my hair. I was crying, it hurt so bad. I was openly sobbing and screaming at her husband to wake up.

He did, and started yelling at us for making too much noise. I screamed again that she was puling my hair, so, to stop her, he started pulling on HER. So then I had the strength of TWO people pulling on my braid.

After he got her off of me, I quickly got my sandals on and found my hat that had fallen to the floor.

After throwing the vacuum at the wall, she ran into the kitchen, which is where their door is. I ran after her, because I remembered the neighbors requesting she stay inside. I started telling her to get away from the door, to stay inside, to go to bed.

She was between me and the door, and between us was the knife block.

She grabbed the largest knife, and holding it in a death grip, came at me. She was still screaming and moaning and crying. The look in her eyes was crazed and maniacal. This was not my friend.

By now I had sobered up, and had that on my side. I was able to dodge her and make my way to the front door, where I briefly fumbled with the deadbolt, opened it, and screamed at the top of my lungs "HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME SHE HAS A KNIFE SHE HAS A KNIFE HELP ME!!"
I couldn't tell if anyone was still outside, but I prayed they were.

I was able to knock the knife to the ground, and I stood on the blade. She fell to the floor and kept trying to pick up the knife. Her husband ran into the room and started screaming at me for calling for help. He picked up the knife and threw it into the sink, opened the door wide and screamed at me to leave.

I asked if I could get my bag and jacket, which were in another room. He said yes, and to get the hell out of his house. He was holding her back, I ran into the other room, grabbed my bag, and ran down the stairs as fast as I could. I heard the door slam behind me. I could still hear her yelling inside. Moaning, sobbing.

As I ran into the front yard, I saw the downstairs neighbor on her cell phone, and I heard her describing the scene to 911 dispatch. At this point I realized I was sobbing. I ran up to her and the guy standing next to her (i cant remember if he was a son, a friend or her husband...) I told them I had been bit, and my hair had been pulled. I told them about the knife. They asked what size of a knife and I told them a large kitchen knife. The guy immediately asked whether I knew if they owned a gun or not. I told him I wasn't certain but I didn't think so. The lady neighbor stayed on the phone with dispatch until they told her that the cops were on their way.

I noted the time at 3am, right after I got downstairs. I had managed to get my cell phone out of my bag, because I knew I would have to call someone, I just didn't know who.

I called my brother, even though I knew he would be asleep. I knew that he would be the one most likely to answer his phone. He had known where I was going and who I would be with. He sounded groggy at first, but after hearing me sobbing into the phone, he woke up pretty fast. With help from the neighbors I told him the exact address I was at, and that the cops were on their way.

We could still hear her sobbing and moaning even though we were outside and downstairs.

While still on the phone with dispatch, The husband came downstairs and ran in the direction of his car. We could tell from how he moved that he was in no shape to drive. Then, his wife threw their fire extinguisher outside. It landed with a thud in the grass down below.

At one point I realized I was babbling to the neighbors. Then to the cops when they came.

I had decided early on that I did NOT want to press charges. I even told that to the neighbor when she was on the phone with dispatch and she repeated it to them. My reasoning was that there was enough mess already, and besides being scared more than I could ever remember being scared, I was okay.

True, my arm and hand hurt from where she had bit me, and my head was throbbing from having my hair pulled so hard and so long, but I was okay.

Hell, I had had someone run at me full force with a chef's knife, and not only managed to get away, I had been able to get the knife away too.

I wasn't bleeding. I saw no point to press charges.

After talking with the husband, and going into the apartment to find his wife (he gave the cops his keys) and I guess more or less trying to talk with her, the cops interviewed me. I signed some paperwork waiving my right to press charges, gave them my license number and phone number, and I was free to go.

By now, my mom and brother had arrived. I hadn't known at the time, but my mom hadn't gone to bed yet, so while still on the phone with me, my brother went and got her. They came in her car, with her driving because she was more awake and had a better since of direction.

I crawled into the backseat and started sobbing all over again. I wasn't even crying, just dry sobs were all that could come out. When we got home my mom undid my braids, and ran her fingers through my hair. quite a bit came out from the side that had been pulled. She helped me wash my hand and arm, and got some ice packs for me. We then went into another room where we could sit and talk. She wanted to make sure I was calm before going to bed. She kept trying to divert my attention to another topic, but I kept going back to the same one.

I was finally able to go to bed around 5am. My sister and brother in law were visiting and staying in my room, I was sleeping in the guest room on an air mattress. I hadn't packed any pajama's in my overnight bag, so my mom lent me some of hers since I couldn't get in my room for my own.

I woke up at 7, with a nasty headache that was ONLY on the side of my head where I had been punched, and my throat was parched. I got up and had a large glass of water, and decided to go back to bed for a few more hours. My entire body ached, especially the back of my head and my arm and hand.

I woke again not even an hour later. This time with the chills. The guest room has a tendency to be a bit chilly, and I didn't have any socks and was only wearing a short sleeve shirt and Capri pj pants. I heard my sister in the hallway, so I called for her to go get our mom. I was too cold to get out of bed. Plus, my head was throbbing.

Now I was realizing I was hungover on top of everything else.

Mom came and brought me a pair of socks and another blanket, which I wrapped up in and decided that there was no way I could go back to sleep. When I sat up I noticed that I had shed more hair than I usual over night. I went out and sat on the couch with my dad, and watched some TV. I was able to get a cup of hot tea, and a piece of bread. (that's what I requested. I knew I needed something in my stomach)

After taking some aspirin and spending some time in the bathroom, I wasn't feeling hung over anymore. I just felt like I had been in a fight, and well, I guess I more or less had.

Sorry, this didn't turn out to be short. I more or less gave the whole tale.

I haven't spoken with either of them, nor do I really intend to. I received a text message from her yesterday saying that her husband told her what had happened and that she was sorry and understood if I hated her.

Hate does nothing to describe how I feel.

I do no hate her or her husband.


These were two of my GOOD FRIENDS. Both of them were. I was in their wedding. I was the maid of honor.

I feel victimized, and feel as though I am in a state of mourning.

I regret saying I didn't want to press charges, only because you can always drop them later, but you can't take back a waiver. I honestly don't know what happened after I left. I'm not sure I even care right now.